Sunday, August 17, 2008

"The map is not the territory." - Alfred Korzybski

WARNING: if you are allergic to honesty move on.

Indeed, but maps contain points of interest, direction, and markers that represent progress. (or lack thereof) As most reading this know, I am an Atheist across the board, but as such I do not consider the philosophies of the human mind as wholly dismissible for their power to coordinate and make abstract concepts visual. I do not infer that these philosophies hold the power that they claim to, rather they are like a good story that reveals some truth to the reader that they are either refusing to recognize or not yet ready to admit. It is within the context of visualization that I relate the following:

THURSDAY - The Lovers / The Tower / Queen of Wands

The Lovers (doomed as it is) has, for years, been my trump card, and the main harbinger of my reoccurring reason for the change in life I am experiencing. The choice: engage in, or dissolve the potential for permanent "relationship/unity". Though I had made the decision, I was not facing it and had not faced it properly. I was still afraid of my decision, still in doubt that what I knew to be true would suffice, or if it was indeed necessary that I continue the facade and relinquish control to fear.

Sudden Change - Release - Redemption - the Tower brought to the fore the answer I was denying myself...let the bricks and mortar crumble to the ground, dig up the foundation and destroy, the space is needed for rebirth. I spent the day in a calamity of self-induced pain, I was refusing to recognize that I was moving into change, the familiar was holding on with it's powerful tentacles.

I attended a dear friend's reading, in the midst of which she experienced her own romantic let-down...on the very night in question...her pain further confused my process and slipped me into reminiscence and doubt. For her, prince charming is her desire, this eternal union, and I let her desires and disappointment influence my alcohol riddled mind. She represented the Queen for me, her reading empowered me as much as hindered me, i was OUT in a bar talking, flirting, feeling myself again, I walked between the pain of the Tower and the redemption of the Queen. Once alone at home the Tower took over again but the Queen never went away and she eventually won as the early morning hours arrived.


I received a flirtatious, "where the fuck have you been" email. CONCENTRATION and POWER...I immediately asked her to have drinks with me that night. She accepted. It was brilliant and though I didn't lay a hand on her, I didn't have to, we were mind-fucking all night and it was magnificent. You know that tension, sometimes in life we are disappointed by our three dimensions, but that tension never fails to entice. As I drove home at 4AM I felt solidified in course and empowered to carry on with the metamorphosis.


I woke and traveled into the City to have breakfast with my Dad. I felt, again, that free-spirit that potentiality of freedom. Nothing on my plate could hinder what was happening. It all became the flotsam and jetson, rather than speed-bumps and razor-wire fences. I made my way over to the new house with the last of my belongings and instead of just dropping things off, I spent two hours setting up my desk and unpacking (very odd, it typically takes me MONTHS to a YEAR before I unpack completely...this time I felt no need to wait, I wanted it and I wanted it NOW! I wanted to take control over my new environment, I have been waiting so long for that feeling that I could wait no longer).


And we arrive at today, Rebirth, Inner Calling, Absolution, and I put it all here in print so that I may remember that I am not a creature of habit, that I am not a creature of routine, and that if I am not aflame in destruction, that I must be rising from the ashes renewed.

Otherwise I am not myself, I am not ME, I am wandering and incomplete.

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